I’ve lost some things lately, the short list includes: my running legs and other muscle integrity, a taste for diet sodas, the illusion of security, the physical presence of my best friend, my lover, the little latch on the right pair of my new earrings, a new pair of underwear I bought in the states, and the cap to my traveling toothpaste.
Not to be pessimistic, I’ve gained a few as well: three widely dispersed pounds, a odorous fear of being lonely, a GPS of wrinkles around my laugh lines, a new knowledge of toxicity, a series of taxing work responsibilities, and an attachment to a heating pad.
Plus basic old ghosts: a feeling of doing/being less than “I should”, unavailable parents, a belief that I am flawed and intolerable to live with, and nightmares of nuclear wars or apopcolyptic diseases that somehow make real housewives the only survivors capable to repopulate the earth.
Really, I feel empty and dark, and I blame it on circumstances leading to the removal of my primary relationships. Then I feel more guilty and silly and small that the circumstances have the power to dismantle my sense of okay-ness and vitality.
It’s like I’ve been betrayed. Mostly, by myself?
Sometimes I know that this “relationship hope” is a lie. There’s an underneath searing illusion when we face a break up or a “loss” of some kind; it is the perception that some miracle came along and dove inside your murky core and found a burned out switch and turned you back on. That somehow the presence of another confirmed your very existence and made you bigger, better.
Jung would say that we all walk around in shoes too small for us. And i think i have a wee bit of a tendency to want to wear shoes that aren’t my proper size. HA! My mom and sister are both size 7s, which I wore until I was being sized for running shoes at age 26 and learned I was a size six.
I feel as if I’ve betrayed myself, sure, for being so saddened by my recent losses. Friends. Strength. Love. But I also I think that light has been burning all along in me. It’s just that their presence gave me permission to fan the flame.
So I also believe that this search for connection, this hunger for sharing and wanting to turn around and say, hello, there, “do you see this? is it there? am I truly here?” —-that desire and yearning is beyond anything animalistic…. that is GOD for me.
I will never replace you. And what is lost, is lost. And I will never fully recover. and i will never love as I have loved you, or felt me, as I felt me with you. and it is not you that gave me that gift. It was me. It was me burning bright, seeing your details, knowing that in a way that they belonged to something sacred not because you are beautiful—-because you are—but because I noticed them.
So sure, there’s that: betrayal. the loss
And then there’s this, the gain: a new, tiny, murky hope. a little flame without a name yet.
***Caveat: I WAS going to tell you about Normandy, which I visited many weeks ago. But I suppose I needed to share this. Stay Tuned