The thing about the body….it teaches you the lessons you’d like to avoid, remembers the experiences you’d like to forget and dictates the heart you’ve always wanted to express.
My knee gave out about 2 weeks ago….4 weeks before my first half marathon. Running this puppy in Luxumbourg (at night!) serves as a “do-over” from my ski-ing injury, and basically, what I made out to be the redemption that my body, my leg, my enduring unceasing, disciplined and healthy very fit body, was “recovered.” I can be honest with myself and note that my training schedule was 80% well balanced. And I had been cherishing 4-5 mile jogs during weekend excursions, or on the treadmill, and hiking and had pushed my weekly long run to 9 very grueling and slow miles….still feeling encumbered, but definitely mobile.
and then, the knee. Painful, and very loud and telling me it was time to STOP. Again.
This is my lesson. How to be still when all I want to do…..is do.
Sometimes, when I don’t know what I want, it’s because I didn’t get what I wanted: PERFECTION. I want to run that marathon. And in my head, that means finishing it in less than 2 hours. And I fear, even 16 days away, that I will be INCAPABLE of doing so. And that confirms, that I didn’t get what I wanted….and that makes me
But not undone. I’ve been imagining my fear. Imagining telling my friends that I won’t go and feeling depressed all weekend. And then, imagining myself trying…..SO FEARFUL! and failing….and ending up walking it…..and know that, that outcome, may BE perfection. Be bring me humor….acceptance.
I suppose perfection is being reconfigured all the time, in this big, overworked brain of mine….and the body, then….follows.
Still, I’d rather be running.