Living it…without Proof

I have spent some hours proving myself as a golden girl
I validate my place at a worthy table quite easily
Ranging from being charming
To appreciative
To encouraging
To inclusive
I could medal in being inclusive
And yet these are not the endeavours that fuel me
What fuels me is
being brash
Responsively decisive and
And in an effort to survive losing the illusion of perfection, of forced recognition that things will always fall
Apart, Eventually change
It is not due to an error of my lack of power
or discipline
it is not an indication of my inadequacy
The awareness, emerges, that even despite being
I am oh, so, flawed.
I have
muted pleasure in my body, including my heart and my mind and my essence.
and this, isn’t really a BAD thing
or a SAD thing
it is a quite natural thing
But now, now, now…
A thing that no longer is…
Living here in Europe and breatthing kindness in the places where you touch, and smelling the evidence of a history of evil and a still breathing past of grandeur
this allows me to understand…
how sometime life hardens and contorts,
and sometimes it releases
All that to say
Only kindness will give me the courage to learn the lesson that at time, I AVOID pleasure
because i fear the inevitable
Experience of ultimate annihilation
And loss
That things will end
So, I move and earn and achieve and run away from my limitations
Past sins and future limitations
I have bowed to self-Made rules as a religion…. to be redeemed and force belief
that permanent bliss can be achieved and earned
But it can not
And I can be big and bold and red
And receive pleasure and also give it
Not despite the fear
But because of it
Which, is why,
As this is shared….
and put “out there”
I am on a train
bulleting through a land, CHINA, so foreign to me
in darkness
happy to be on the train
with really, no proof of arrival

4 thoughts on “Living it…without Proof

  1. so…what is the inevitable anyway? Death is all that I can think of. I guess my feelings about death have changed as I grew older. Watching my parents die, especially my mother has changed my prospective on dying. I used to feel that is was permanent, and an end…a final act. I don’t think that so much anymore. I think of it more as a beginning. I feel my dad and mother’s presence with me whenever I allow them to come into my heart. They are in a perfect place, and have only the deepest of love to give to us. I feel they are with you..their precious little Kryssy. You are never alone, you’re journeys are never traveled without their watchful hearts. Go. Enjoy. Absorb all that this temporary life has to offer you. You are a delicate little flower that is so worthy of sun and water. Feed your body and soul. You are far more intricate and fragrent than an entire meadow of flowers…Dont’ ever think you are not noticed and adored by all who have had the honor of touching your blossoms and have smelled your sweet fragrence. And by the way….thank you for being my most intricate precious little flower…I love you

  2. This is very touching, and you’ve put many things that are on my mind in beautiful words. Avoiding pleasure out of fear of loss … making an effort to survive while letting go the illusion of perfection … Ah, this describes the story of my life.

    Thank you for writing this! I hope you’ll have a great time in China!

    The unforeseeable may happen. It will be all good for you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s