Speed. Never knew how much I’d come to rely on expediency, my own forward propelling, as a marker of my identity. I was a “runner” as a child, escaping adult supervision so frequently in stores, xeroxed renditions graced registers of Safeways and Mall information centers. I ate through the courses and theses of my bachelor’s and master’s degrees within 3.5 years. I careened myself across 16 different “trips” my first year living abroad. I am the annoying tour participant that asks the question that the guide was “just getting to.”
I crave a quick and breathless pace. I burn like the sun, which can exhilarate and equip others….and also wear and annoy them out. They inquire “when are you going to stop? slow and settle down?”
Quite frankly, when they stop building roads, I’ll still need gravity to hold me down.
The pitfalls of this: missing details, annoying others, being too future oriented, a need to achieve and thus, side effects of anxiety and restlessness.
I am unpeeling myself in front of others during this “recovery” process….well, really, again I am re-inventing myself. Some one pointed out that my discomfort at self irritation at STAYING DOWN and resting indicated a RED personality:
Reds boldly move forward with logic, vision and determination. These qualities make them natural born leaders, as they make things happen by sheer force of will. From a Red perspective, emotion has little to do with accomplishing a task.
Sure, that’s me. I live fast and furiously. But, like the sun…my slowness seeps in around the gloaming hour. Reluctant to pick up the phone, or perform academic or professional endeavors, I cocoon myself at home six nights of the week. Slowly preparing a meal, taking the better half of an hour to enjoy wine and nibbles before hand. Letting music and a book sweep into my blood in order to recover ambulatory potential. I am in PJS and bed by 9:30 faithfully 85% of the time.
The benefits of this: mindfulness, pleasure, rejuvenation.
In heart I love the adventure of growing and learning and going. and yet, in spirit, I require the predictability of my tried and trues.
I am a roaming homebody.
However, at my core, I am driven by doing. by creating. by producing, and fulfilling a hunger . I will always crave….and be hungry
This recovery only punctuates my internal gumption, longing, tendency to speed. It pronounces my belongingness to myself a bit more easily, as I become more aware of what drives me, and embrace my strengths and limitations for all that they are (interestingly, some one called me “red-ness” this week…and then my shoes spoke to me. I donned them on, and immediately, felt at home.
What drives you?