Remember when I spouted that the holidays are the most stressful time of the year? Well, looking back I feel they were what my life always is: a balance of “wow, I am the luckiest woman on earth” to “why-do-I-inflict-this upon myself?” moments. Meaning….that many days I felt exhausted and completely SPENT and other days, connected, fulfilled, stimulated.
And through all of this, continued to nourish myself. Kind jury, let me introduce to you evidence A:
I gained four pounds. Some of you may perceive me to be “too thin,” and honestly, I feel that my physical frame does NOT match my personality and is discongruent with my natural size. Looking back, sure, I’ve chowed down “unhealthy” items at home:
and on trips
But, this food wasn’t REALLY unhealthy….because my BODY NEEDED it. Does that make sense? For me, it was FUEL.
Working in the medical profession, as well as a background in theology and education have conglomerated to form some pretty thick SHOULDS in my operating system, which translates into RIGHT and WRONG, GOOD and BAD, or BLACK and WHITE patterns. Sure, we all need compasses, but health is NOT so clear cut. BMIs aren’t TRULY healthy or unhealthy, and the natural size movement works to educate people that health isn’t about numbers.
So, the number 4 = “good girl” doesn’t really translate into “healthier” K. But it IS a signpost of GROWTH for me. Of choosing NOURISHMENT consciously fueling myself MORE. Of breaking the “this is BAD” this is “good” mentality, and choosing in the present moment…what NOURISHES me?
And if I shared a pancake or ate a cashewbutter-ginger-agave-apple half sandwich at 6 “before dinner” those bites occurred with intention and honor and intuitiveness.
I request to submit Evidence B:
I GAIN…and RUN….as I am training for my first EVER half marathon in 2 weeks in Morocco. So, I am gaining muscles and fat, all while running 25-30 miles a week. NOw it’s not the total distance that is a big change for me, but the amount I run in a given time. Since Thanksgiving, weekly I do what is a long run for me 10-13 ish miles. And the other 6 days of the week, I run smaller amounts adding up to 15-20 miles or so (usually 3-6 at a time) and cross train on the elliptical, with smatterings of 20 minute yoga sessions here and there.
Lastly, but far from least, let me introduce Evidence C
Over 8 weeks, I have treated myself to THREE massages and a pedicure! This is SO BIG FOR ME! When my muscles were singing and my feet sore, and honestly, my spirit exhausted or my mind racing, I tried not to figure out why, or deduce where I went wrong in preventing such malaise and instead, attempted to baby myself. I am gaining the ability to accept my unhappy-grumpy-gosh-I-am-limited days and seek comfort and touch rather than mental acrobatics earning my way out of them.
Rather than try to get OUT of this feeling….I go IN instead.
And the feelings “don’t go away” so, it is not like I am telling you TRY THIS…….IT WORKS in making me PERFECT. AKA not feeling anything uncomfortable. Because even though I WANT to gain, seeing those numbers go UP made me initially uncomfortable, and the tighter dresses or pants, and little feeling like I’ve done “something bad” and that all the weight going to my middle indicates LACK OF DISCIPLINE AND CONTROL.
So…I am gaining….but it isn’t often rewarding.
What are you gaining lately?