Indecisive Acrobatics

I’ve been performing mental scissor splits  with my traveling schedule so frequently I’d definitely qualify for Indecisive Olympics 2011. I am having difficulty trying to fit in all the places I want to go with traveling partners, budgets, time off allowance, work schedules….that I then lose sight of what I really want.

Take for instance, the fact that I do want to invest sometime this winter learning how to ski. I’ve signed up for a trip to Switzerland over Thanksgiving, even paid for it, when other possibilities wafting into “what if” land and played intriguing melodies. A group of us decided to go to Turkey for three nights over Vetrans Day and I was SO excited. Drooling at the mouth for market shopping, historical walks, religious culture, thermal baths….coffee…And then the option was gone as one by one they couldn’t go anymore. Now I don’t really like the idea of skiing and party-ing over Thanksgiving. There are numerous reasons “why” I’ve somewhat talked myself out of it, the balance bean manuevers of finding reasons to prove it “wouldn’t be worth it” Excuses.

I just don’t want to go enough.

And that makes me feel a bit guilty. Guilty that I might miss out on a new social event where I “could meet someone”. Or where I “could learn something new,” or “cross something off my list.”

Sometimes, I am flip-flopping and contorting with aero-dynamic jumps so skilled the “what-if” dust smokes off in pixie dust form and settles into my spirit. It becomes somewhat natural, this performing in an arena with no audience and no medals given out at the end of the competition.

Or, at least not by others.  Sometimes I am quite good at patting myself on the back. But usually it’s not for doing something I want. It’s for doing something I SHOULD.

I know this is a common theme here, the 30 year SHOULDING war.

But I think I DO know what I want. I want to have a partner  or family that will distract me from all this THINKING. I want to have to accommodate my ideas for those of another. So many say “you’re so lucky you can travel so much.” and if I trust them, I’ll share “you’re so lucky you have enough stimulation you don’t want to.”

But I don’t want to be stuck in the idea that I can only “be fulfilled if…” type of thinking either.

I BORE easily. and so I make life more challenging and complicated by all these “what if I…” olympics.

If I go to France for Vetrans Day, Ski in Switzerland over Thanksgiving, then Poland early December, and Amsterdam for New Years, it would be: drive, bus, drive, bus, warm, cold, cold, cold, cheap, expensive, cheap, expensive and that would be a great balance.

I really don’t want to go skiing at Thanksgiving where there will be a party like atmosphere and three days of being trapped in a ski town shelling out $300 for only one day of lessons and feeling so out of place my skin would crawl. I really do think I’d rather go to Ski Camp where I am in the “same boat” with others, even if  I might miss the opportunity to “meet the love of  my life on the white washed bossom of the Swiss Alps,” because I also might miss “freezing my ass off, trying to impress a ski king that downed 5 beer

Barbaresco is a tangy dry red from Northern Italy that ALWAYS calms me. It's the wine version of sweats. But designer ones (it's a 2005! Think, $30)

s last night after dancing the German Mackarena stone sober and feeling up the very curvy, foul mouthed 23 year old still lip glossing applying cherub.”

But you’re not gonna meet anyone at a museum a friend said recently

But I REALLY don’t want to meet some one at a huge party fest. I want to meet friends in a community like setting…over dinner, or a party at a person’s house, or a gathering of some sort…even a blind date.

Not because I am proving that I can drink 3 liters of beer.

Been there, drank that…right?

Seriously? Sometimes having so many options, choosing is difficult! Istanbul, Budapest, Switzerland, skiing, drinking and dancing at the bar, staying home…going out….all things I keep surmounting that have little consequences. I just don’t want to pretend to be something I am not…

but I also don’t want to miss out on growing opportunities to become something MORE.

I am in a pretty indecisive period. And the only antidote is to TRUST myself. Pare down. Decide to do less. And WAIT.

As I am waiting, I’ll try not to vault into feats of trying to prove myself. I know what I need. Less work, more loving. That means yoga, less running. That means hot baths, and reading….and breaking out the nice bottle of wine, even though my voice says “WAIT!” That’s not the kind of waiting I need. Thus…I am marching into my “cellar” and plucking the first Italian I see.

After canceling that trip and getting tickets to Turkey.

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9 thoughts on “Indecisive Acrobatics

  1. wow this post definitely struck a chord with me as i always do those acrobatics with plans! in fact i’m in the middle of an olympic feat right now with plans for a weekend this month! i think i just need to go with it and JUMP into the deep end 🙂

    you’ve taught me that. way to go 🙂

  2. K — I can relate in two ways:

    1. Planning — I always want to plan and participate in these grand group events but then I end up doing all the work and research to make sure that everyone is happy and that it fits in everyone’s budget and then I realize that I am the only person who wants to do it and by trying to make everyone happy, I’ve sacrificed all the things that I want to do. In sort — I’d rather go on my own. Which bring me to . . .

    2. We meet people we’re compatible with (“Kindred Spirits” if you will) when we’re doing the things that we love to do. Our culture tells us differently. It is always the woman who is jadedly hanging out with her group of shallow girlfriends who is approached by the man-of-her dreams in movies. So while it might seem counter intuitive, doing things alone might give you the opportunity to meet someone who wants to share in that solitude. No man of your dreams is going to approach you when you’re doing something you hate just so that you might meet someone! We meet people we’d be happy with when we’re happy!!

  3. #2 really resonated with me. YOu’re right. Just this weekend I met a man on a USO tour and I felt “like me.” In other settings, I feel like a caffenated go-go gal.

    Thanks for your insight and support. You are one of the reasons I am going to Turkey!

  4. for whatever it is worth. i met art when i was honestly not at all looking for a boyfriend at all and trying to get all my ducks in a row. i know that is probably in no way helpful but just thought i’d share.

    hope your pizza and sweat pants party was lovely!

  5. My husband and you have a lot in common. He can’t make a decision without regretting it. I’m usually the other end of the spectrum where I jump into things and then often regret it!

    The great thing is that we actually do complement each other since we are so different.

    I’ll happily take over your vacation schedule any day. Please?? 🙂

  6. I agree with the commenter above, meeting people is easiest when you are doing the things you love, and you truly are doing that. Like you said in your post, when people say you are so lucky you get to travel…it’s so true. I am jealous. But at the same time, you are right, I have Nick who keeps me happy and free of always wishing I were traveling. It’s a lose lose ..or win win? situation.
    You just gotta remember, you can’t do EVERYTHING so pick and choose the ones that sound best. Skiiing school sounds so fun, and I agree, away from all the partiers are people with alterior motives.

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