I’ve been performing mental scissor splits with my traveling schedule so frequently I’d definitely qualify for Indecisive Olympics 2011. I am having difficulty trying to fit in all the places I want to go with traveling partners, budgets, time off allowance, work schedules….that I then lose sight of what I really want.
Take for instance, the fact that I do want to invest sometime this winter learning how to ski. I’ve signed up for a trip to Switzerland over Thanksgiving, even paid for it, when other possibilities wafting into “what if” land and played intriguing melodies. A group of us decided to go to Turkey for three nights over Vetrans Day and I was SO excited. Drooling at the mouth for market shopping, historical walks, religious culture, thermal baths….coffee…And then the option was gone as one by one they couldn’t go anymore. Now I don’t really like the idea of skiing and party-ing over Thanksgiving. There are numerous reasons “why” I’ve somewhat talked myself out of it, the balance bean manuevers of finding reasons to prove it “wouldn’t be worth it” Excuses.
I just don’t want to go enough.
And that makes me feel a bit guilty. Guilty that I might miss out on a new social event where I “could meet someone”. Or where I “could learn something new,” or “cross something off my list.”
Sometimes, I am flip-flopping and contorting with aero-dynamic jumps so skilled the “what-if” dust smokes off in pixie dust form and settles into my spirit. It becomes somewhat natural, this performing in an arena with no audience and no medals given out at the end of the competition.
Or, at least not by others. Sometimes I am quite good at patting myself on the back. But usually it’s not for doing something I want. It’s for doing something I SHOULD.
I know this is a common theme here, the 30 year SHOULDING war.
But I think I DO know what I want. I want to have a partner or family that will distract me from all this THINKING. I want to have to accommodate my ideas for those of another. So many say “you’re so lucky you can travel so much.” and if I trust them, I’ll share “you’re so lucky you have enough stimulation you don’t want to.”
But I don’t want to be stuck in the idea that I can only “be fulfilled if…” type of thinking either.
I BORE easily. and so I make life more challenging and complicated by all these “what if I…” olympics.
If I go to France for Vetrans Day, Ski in Switzerland over Thanksgiving, then Poland early December, and Amsterdam for New Years, it would be: drive, bus, drive, bus, warm, cold, cold, cold, cheap, expensive, cheap, expensive and that would be a great balance.
I really don’t want to go skiing at Thanksgiving where there will be a party like atmosphere and three days of being trapped in a ski town shelling out $300 for only one day of lessons and feeling so out of place my skin would crawl. I really do think I’d rather go to Ski Camp where I am in the “same boat” with others, even if I might miss the opportunity to “meet the love of my life on the white washed bossom of the Swiss Alps,” because I also might miss “freezing my ass off, trying to impress a ski king that downed 5 beer
s last night after dancing the German Mackarena stone sober and feeling up the very curvy, foul mouthed 23 year old still lip glossing applying cherub.”
But you’re not gonna meet anyone at a museum a friend said recently
But I REALLY don’t want to meet some one at a huge party fest. I want to meet friends in a community like setting…over dinner, or a party at a person’s house, or a gathering of some sort…even a blind date.
Not because I am proving that I can drink 3 liters of beer.
Been there, drank that…right?
Seriously? Sometimes having so many options, choosing is difficult! Istanbul, Budapest, Switzerland, skiing, drinking and dancing at the bar, staying home…going out….all things I keep surmounting that have little consequences. I just don’t want to pretend to be something I am not…
but I also don’t want to miss out on growing opportunities to become something MORE.
I am in a pretty indecisive period. And the only antidote is to TRUST myself. Pare down. Decide to do less. And WAIT.
As I am waiting, I’ll try not to vault into feats of trying to prove myself. I know what I need. Less work, more loving. That means yoga, less running. That means hot baths, and reading….and breaking out the nice bottle of wine, even though my voice says “WAIT!” That’s not the kind of waiting I need. Thus…I am marching into my “cellar” and plucking the first Italian I see.
After canceling that trip and getting tickets to Turkey.