Like Riding a Bike…

The simple sight of two rubber tires could send me into the sweats. I always felt intensely uncomfortable with the sense of perpetual imbalance–avoiding riding solo at all costs. despite the fact that my mother would hold the back steady for at least half a block, I avoided the endeavor for years, colluding my older sister to let me ride tandem on her banana bike to the McY-Ds to get summer ice cream cones. It took me 30 years to feel a sense of courage to enjoy the mounting, the whirled engagement that is capable once you let go of your fear and just BE riding.

Am I there yet?

Am I there yet?

Yep, I haven’t just traveled here…I’ve moved 5000 miles from my Trader Joes, and like riding a bike and every single trans-city move I’ve encountered, I despised and doubted and fretted the first 24 hours after landing. What, seriously there’s no Sirachi?, was I thinking committing to this MONUMENTAL change? Physical depletion, a mental paralysis that seeps its tenacles into my muscles. This exhaustion doesn’t hallmark slumber, but fules restlessness. Ruminating on the BIG decision to move, sure, but more so on small decisions like where to live, what to eat, when should I try to work out, what to wear. the fear, that newness “is not as good” as my previous location, sucks me dry. The intense dislocation from my securities, familiar routines (waking early to jog 3 miles) beloved items (Y’s yogurt) or rituals (sat morning yoga and farmer’s markets) and friends…all these are gone.

Who is K without such accoutrements?

Writing this alleviates some of that self-doubt. Also…envisioning what I do desire, here now and trying to return to COMFORT and rest rather than PUSHING myself. Taking time off from the gym? (no, today I did get there for a 3-miler and wrote this post in my head!) But Skyping helps, reading your blogs helps, and drinking from my K Cup helps.

Do you doubt yourself? How

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6 thoughts on “Like Riding a Bike…

  1. Ahhhhh! Yes. Overwhelming and frightening. And the best time of your life. I moved 2k miles away from Trader Joes and it all turned out OK. But I am still in America and TJs is just a care package or a southwest flight away.

  2. ahhh! so scary. but you not just stepping out of your comfort zone here (that implies that you can safety jump back in) — rather you are pushing the borders of this zone. and you will be so much stronger for it!

  3. I’ve come a long way since the days I pushed myself to exhaustion. I used to have rituals, working out, eating, stupid stuff, that only caused me more stress. So glad thats gone. I’m happier now. Like you, writing and learning from others is good therapy for me.

    I got your granola in the mail yesterday, and will be posting about it tomorrow! Thanks so much, I really like it.

  4. Hello Darling Krystal! I see you have made it to the grand country of Germany. Don’t fret, as the many comforts of ‘home’ turn to be just reminders of what you enjoyed here. Those things you long for will be in the past as you find new and exciting things over there to learn to enjoy. Saturday markets are in full abundance there. The fruits and vegetables are fabulous… who can say they have had a grape from ITALY that hasn’t been turned to wine? Enjoy and email me at collinsworthcs@yahoo.com I am always an email away…. who knows… we could be stationed in Germany once again 😉

  5. Ohh Krystal!! You are so amazing!! The way you are able to express your feelings about your new enviornment totally reassure me how wonderfully you will adapt!! You’ve never been in a box..so you’ve never jumped out of it!! Life is new and exciting for you every day of your prescious life..you just keep going baby..and yes..thank goodness for Skype!! never forget..only a heartbeat away

  6. It took me so long to learn to ride, too. I was such an uncoordinated kid! But once I did…oh, man! I took off on that bike and didn’t look back. I’m convinced living in a new country will be like that for you, too.

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