The simple sight of two rubber tires could send me into the sweats. I always felt intensely uncomfortable with the sense of perpetual imbalance–avoiding riding solo at all costs. despite the fact that my mother would hold the back steady for at least half a block, I avoided the endeavor for years, colluding my older sister to let me ride tandem on her banana bike to the McY-Ds to get summer ice cream cones. It took me 30 years to feel a sense of courage to enjoy the mounting, the whirled engagement that is capable once you let go of your fear and just BE riding.
Yep, I haven’t just traveled here…I’ve moved 5000 miles from my Trader Joes, and like riding a bike and every single trans-city move I’ve encountered, I despised and doubted and fretted the first 24 hours after landing. What, seriously there’s no Sirachi?, was I thinking committing to this MONUMENTAL change? Physical depletion, a mental paralysis that seeps its tenacles into my muscles. This exhaustion doesn’t hallmark slumber, but fules restlessness. Ruminating on the BIG decision to move, sure, but more so on small decisions like where to live, what to eat, when should I try to work out, what to wear. the fear, that newness “is not as good” as my previous location, sucks me dry. The intense dislocation from my securities, familiar routines (waking early to jog 3 miles) beloved items (Y’s yogurt) or rituals (sat morning yoga and farmer’s markets) and friends…all these are gone.
Who is K without such accoutrements?
Writing this alleviates some of that self-doubt. Also…envisioning what I do desire, here now and trying to return to COMFORT and rest rather than PUSHING myself. Taking time off from the gym? (no, today I did get there for a 3-miler and wrote this post in my head!) But Skyping helps, reading your blogs helps, and drinking from my K Cup helps.
Do you doubt yourself? How