You’re too Cute to be My FRIEND

“And you see how they are making each other laugh,” she asserted.

“We’re in a wine bar, most guys are out playing golf together.”

“Not you,” she retorted, arguing that women know how to be “better” friends than men.

“That’s because on Wednesdays, he comes to see me. We’ve been friends for 8 years or so,” the man behind the bar countered.  The men smirked in triumph.

“Still, women usually have better friendships,” she was convinced.

The man behind the bar smirks. “Unless they are hot,”

And his friend adds, “and single.”

Ah, eavesdropping and jumping into such conversations is why I Crave wine! The anti-oxidants fermented style must stimulate people to express their  theories about such things.  For me, single but definitively never called “hot,” I chatted how I aspire to be considered a “good friend,” and that I often felt rich in terms of the friends department.

We quickly discussed how after college, creating long-lasting intimate relationships can be challenging. First off, four “busy schedules”: work, our cravings and passions, our families, often soak up a lot of our capital: time and money. Then, getting people to commit to something often is more difficult than getting your hair to not resemble Medusa on a humid day in Florida. People say yes, they can go hike with you, and then have something “come up.” Although sometimes legitimate, these experiences often leave people feeling…well, a little like “I used to have friends, where did they all go?”

Over at Onely, people have commented about single people getting dumped when their friends pair up. That’s a cool topic, but this one, that if you are attractive and/or single, you are less likely to be a good friend, is intriguing. Is this because you are assumed to be more selfish? Or because you live a pretty charmed life you have less of a need for friends to rely on?

One of the best movies of my youth, Heathers, touched on this (watch it, it ROCKS!) phenomenon…the cute girl in highschool never seemed to need friends. “Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people “real life.” She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you’re beautiful.That's What Friends are For”  Can you relate?

Here was my 2-cents. Most of my intimate friendships are with women who are married, and all of them have kids now. But that doesn’t serve as evidence that single people have less quality friendships, or for that matter that women have better ones than men, or that people who live in cities have worse ones than those in the country, or golfers or online daters or…we could go on and on. I think my own personal need for long-lasting friendships is less about my social standing and more about my baseline: I’ve always wanted a few intimates than a group of acquaintances , but that’s no “better” than a Heather that loves a multitude of groupies. Some people have less of a need for these types of relationships, or are in a season of their lives where they need more of them.

Do you disagree? Do certain people make better friend than others? What kind of friend do you need?

 Don’t forget to share what NOURISHES you and enter to win 2 lb Amazing Meal.

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8 thoughts on “You’re too Cute to be My FRIEND

  1. a) Special K, you are too HOT. I saw those photos of you at the salon. You were hot with long hair and you are hot with short hair. Come ON!

    b) I think that the guy saying that hot single women don’t have friends stems from the idea that all women really NEED is a man and they’ll kill each other to get one. So a hot girl doesn’t need friends because she already can get men (so why have friendships when they’re just filler for the times when you don’t have a man). Also, single women don’t have friends because they’re too desperately trying to find a man that they’d fight with their friend over any nice peice of meat.

    I have heard these ideas before. They are a) untrue b) hetrosexist and c) singlist.

    But. With that said. There ARE people who function in this way. Female friends are only useful as company to go out to a bar with. Arrive with your girlfriends, leave with your next boytoy.

    These people need a big ole kick of singlutionary in their ass.

    I have recently had the revelation that: I like being admired. I think that mutual admiration is a big part of all my relationships. I need friends who I respect and admire and who also respect and admire me. It seems that with mutual respect and admiration the rest (like being a GOOD friend–not a backstabbing one) will follow.

    • I am blushing…but in high school, I was definitely not “pretty”
      Your comments may be sometimes accurate about men think, but over lunch with a woman I very much admire, she also felt that “pretty” people, especially in high school, don’t learn to value friendship as early as others…not because their attention is on guys, but because they don’t “NEED” friendships…just admirers.
      Must admit, I watched Big Brother’s first episode last night, and do you think these people are real?

  2. I think that certain people do make better friends. My closest friends are selfless and area always there for me. They are easy to talk to and don’t care what we do when we are hanging out, as long as we are together. Other people think the world revolves around them and are fussy when it comes to plans :\

  3. I def think certain peps make better friends. I for one cannot manage with competitive people and friends. I dont want to have to look my best with my friends 24/7 like a fashion show, and I dont want to be comparing gifts from hubbies in 10 years and how well our kids do in sports.
    Someone coming from a similar background, knows or has some experiences like me and the like always seem to make the best gal pals 🙂

  4. The topic of friendship and relationships is dear to me these days because I have found, in recent years, that it is more difficult to make good friends. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m in a committed relationship so my partner meets many of my ‘needs’ (not all of them, since I really do love hanging out with my women friends), if it’s the fact that I live in a very sprawling and impersonal city, or if it’s harder at age 37 than it was at 27….
    That said, I do have VERY good friends, and I really work at these relationships. Many live in another city or another state, so I don’t need a constant friend by my side but we do need to connect when we are together and have a lot of fun. Most of my friends are a bit snarky but are generous and good-spirited.

  5. “Do you disagree? Do certain people make better friend than others? What kind of friend do you need?”

    hmm to me it’s always been subjective. I gravitate to those who are sincere of heart and intention. Married, single, male or female etc, it’s about who they are and how they treat me. This also explains the kind of friends I need and enjoy 🙂

    p.s. I also disagree with your “Hot” comment. That’s also subjective and speaking subjectively from my point of view, you’re hot!

  6. I basically agree with Singlutionary about what the bartender was implying. He also may have meant that single, “hot” women don’t have good friendships because their friends all envy them, resulting in two-faced relationships with a lot of backbiting and resentment. I know that description would fit some women, but I’ve known lots of others who were beautiful on the inside and out, as well as ones who were the opposite–ugly to the core.

    Some people are more compatible than others, but I think the foundation for any friendship is that both people have to be dedicated to it. They have to reserve time for each other and really want to keep up with each other, or else the friendship slides. Over the years, I’ve grown frustrated with a couple of friends who consistently let everything else in the world take precedence over our friendship. After awhile, I realized that they weren’t really being friends, and I backed off from those “friendships.”

    P.S. Heathers is such a classic! It just perfectly captured the “murderous” envy that masquerades as friendship in high school relationships. It was one of my faves back in the day!

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