This week a person commented
But if she’s single, and she really wants to be in a relationship, isn’t she doing something wrong?
What do you think? Are people who are single and desire partnership doing something wrong?
I assert the philosophy that people need people. We need to feel as if we belong, and that we matter. I don’t necessarily desire marriage right now, but I do need connection, intimacy, being known and knowing others, contribution.
I have come to recognize that I am uncomfortable with needing. I not only question my needs, but the presence of them in my life instigates a perception of weakness. The question above underscores this mentality. If I need something, or someone, then I must lack it, and the lacking must be “my fault”…I must have done something wrong.
Whoa! Wait a minute…is that always valid?
In our culture, this mentality triumphs. If you need carbs, you must have a sugar addiction. If you need sleep, you must have a TV in your room robbing you or the Zzzs. If you need a hot bath, you must be overly stressed. We seem to think that is something is missing in our lives that we did something wrong.
I often don’t recognize my needs when they arise. I get a big satisfaction from denying my needs because I like to feel like I am intellectually above needing, and a sense of achievement is gained by denying them. When the need becomes louder, I’ll sometimes run to other things to distract myself from needing…I’ll start a new project at work, I’ll read your blogs, I’ll send a card to a friend…all positive activities on the surface, but underneath, sometimes, just sometimes, these tasks are ways to deprive my needs.
Just because you desire or need something doesn’t indicate automatic failure.
If you need a friend to call you back, it doesn’t automatically mean that you are clingy or needy, it doesn’t always signal that you dropped the ball, or that you lack good communication skills. Sometimes friends just don’t call back.
Sure, you’ve got qualities to modify. We all do. You can work on acceptance. You can work on your coping skills, your communication style, your hobbies.
But a need shouldn’t define or judge you…yes, sometimes we do exacerbate our needs….my point here is not all the time.
A need is a signpost for nourishment…a desire for what is essential…not a place of social or individual criticism.
Excuse me while I go take a nice hot bath.
—and while I am luxuriating, what do you think: Are people who are single and desire partnership doing something wrong? What need do you deny?