A heavy dose of self-annoyance pesters me this week. I just figured out that my irritable mood is due in part to some trepidation about turning 30 this month. Considering myself somewhat immune to the mundane anti-aging culture we mired ourselves in, it’s with a lot of shame that I confess this anxiety. It’s not like I am stuck on the number, but more so, the little nat of continuing to feel unanchored.
Lately I don’t really know where I belong.
A little background…I am job searching due to the fact that I have arrived at the top eschalon of my field, completed all the expert training possible, and now forced to find a permanent position as an expert in my field. I have 6 months to “find something” in this vomiting economy. The position, the context, this next step, to me and to others signifies a lot about where my future “is headed.” All of the sudden, the fears and worries akin to choosing a major or even a college resurface as if clowns in new uniforms. And we all know how scary clowns can be.
I hesitate, often floating in my experience as a single woman with most of my major connections long distance. Four of my soul sisters were pregnant during my 29-30 phase. I live a fulfilling life. I have purpose, vision, ambitious…so why do I still feel as if life is passing me by and I am behind? There continue to be moments when I feel as if I am chasing something that I don’t even know if I desire.
And it’s annoying to me. The behind feeling, as if something is inadequate or stalled, annoys me. When I am capable of cooking up so much “wow-this-is my-life!” emotions, I still feel as if…
I am missing something…
Is this me? My culture? Is there a choice to be made here?