Little Sleep. I find myself super suspectible to changes in my sleeping location. Housesitting this weekend and I slept maybe 3.5 hours.

Sometime sleep deprivation serves up a fuzzy form of clarity. I know that sounds odd, but it’s somewhat spot on. I was thinking/dreaming about mops.

Imagine a mop. With a floppy head, or flat sponge like platform. Your version doesn’t matter and you don’t get points for creativity. The gist is: a mop–not in action yet, relegated to some corner– just sitting there waiting to be swept up so it can get busy with it’s main role: soaking up grime.
So romantic, isn’t it? But a mop is exactly how I used to think of my health.
By nature, profession, and relationship history, I am a fixer. I give care to those who need it in order for them to better pursue health. And my pet project has always been myself. I am a cleaner. I find things that are dirty and get down to business. And that is easy to do when you’re trying to live a healthy life. Over the years I have pointed out the gunk unhealthy of relationships (e.g. “he never affirms you”) of unhealthy thoughts (e.g. “you are NOT the bitch she says you are) of unhealthy behaviors (e.g. “stay away from that queso dip”). You never say to yourself…”I can’t wait to mop that up!” NO! What you say is “I should mop today…it’s been weeks (okay, in honesty, a month.”) And health for me was always clothed in Shoulds. I should do this, I should stay away from that. A mop absorbs. And my position with health is that if I could just absorb and take in all the crap around me, what I’d be left with was a “clean bill of health.”

The top sites when you google health will be all about plans, especially weight loss plans. Here is the first thing that popped up this morning, and I somewhat liked it. To wax philosophically, catch it here

Well, what a load of huey! The challenges of my 20s lefts me disillusioned….because the “shoulds” I put in place by then were eradicable. Health was never attainable. There is always something to do more of, always something to do less of. It can leave you feeling as if the measure of your health is what you do.

Right now. To me, Health is not about doing. Although actions can help me feel that way, the effect isn’t lasting. Instead, my hopes for a healthy new me soaks in the gratitude of being alive and present in this moment, on this day, and refuses to only to acknowledge the yucky. My new healthy me embraces that I can be healthy today. It’s not something I have to fix in you…or prove to myself…

But…alas! That floor still needs to be mopped from time to time as well!

Ah, this must be about balance again! I am munching on Cinnamon Life (nutritious but delicious) instead of moping right now.

What is health to you?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s