More and less

I don’t believe in resolutions. (here’s why it’s a much better post than this one!).

Listen, here is what I am learning: the more anxious and worried and conflicted and sad I get about where I am at and what I’d like to be different—whether it is about my stomach pooch or my writing production or how many noxious “circle of trust” trainings I have to attend—the less clear and present I am to perceive my reality correctly. The monster’s feet loom out from beneath the bed when in actuality, they’re dust bunnies.  We are so comfortable, inane, spoiled, instantly gratified, overfed, overstimulated, under challenged, bored, that the slightest imperfections can toss us out of orbit. And fear and that sense of “wrongness” disorients us.

I am learning that I don’t need to change my life. My life is perfect in its imperfections. I just need to Learn my life.

Which doesn’t mean that I am sitting back all hippie socks with tevas drinking kombucha and knitting while the world is coming apart (and sometimes, doesn’t it feel that way?).  I commit to being intentional, reflective and having a vision of change. I want my life to get better, not feel better…and so, here’s what I want MORE and LESS of in 2013

Less

1) Posting: With all the other new ventures that I am seeking (doing the radio show, writing a book, more formal travel writing) it is difficult to also have energy over for this production here… I hold a faint resentment of needing to “post” or “update” or aptly describe my physical being (shoulder is strained, quads are healed) or retell some funny homily regarding my cookie swap (I made gingerbread) or a funny exchange in a carpet shop in Fez, Morocco (I stood my ground!).

I am imagining my escape, twirling around the notion of creating some kind of smallish distraction, a gentle slight of the hand as I slip into nonpresence. Perhaps only surfacing on survelliance haphazardly to capture my ultimate travels, or my cherished lists.

2) saying yes when I don’t really feel like it. It takes a little bit of time and a little bit of annoyance and discomfort to say no, and a whole lot of annoyance and energy and pain when I say yes when I mean no. Plus, it is an energy drain. Sometimes I want the answer to be yes when it is clearly a NO.  I’d like less guilt over not feeling “like it”.

3) I’d like to spend less time on online trainings and powerpoint presentations in 2013.

4) I’d like my friends to move far away less. You are impossible to replace.

MORE

1) strength. of character. of connection. of body. sometimes, I know, this means more REST and less WORK (hard for me!)

2) variety (I can get into routines and have a hard time letting go of my “plan!” and when I can’t be flexible, I start not seeing reality for what it is and then spend my energy pretty uselessly) in my travels, exercises, work responsibilities. I have to say how grateful I am regarding the variety of my relationships, and that I have friends that span ages, interests and locations.

3) rest. I’d like to ride on the shoulders of giants more. and crawl into the laps of others and cuddle more. I’d like more pancakes with syrup in bed on sundays. and reading books for half a day. and drinking beer and sitting in grass. and staying in PJs longer.  I’d like to burn more candles. Drink more wine others have bought for me and eat homemade dinners others have cooked for me (considering my preferences of course!)

There you have it. What are you planning to have more and less of?

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3 thoughts on “More and less

  1. So excited for you on your journey! And particularly excited about the book!

    I would like less annoyances (specifically from roommates) and more stimulating conversations and more love.

  2. Good list of more and less, I am definitely on the less posting trend too. Too much going on and not enough I want to post about when I do have the time to sit down. Although I still like to do it for my grandpa and mom cause they do actually read my blog and like to know what I am up to. I am all for more travel and I’d love to meet up somewhere with you in 2013. Definitely less overcommitting myself. If I don’t have the time and I really can’t do something, I need to say no. I am getting better. I really can’t be 3 places at once and I know that now!

  3. I really have a hard time tolerating discomfort – I kind of am a discomfort phobic – and missing my perfectionist ideals is a major source of discomfort. So I want more gentleness in treating myself. Being content with the imperfections of my life, that by now annoy me wherever I see them (and I see them everywhere). It means facing an accepting certain things that *are this way* and that I cannot change by willpower – such as my severe susceptibility for stress, my high sensitivity and the sensory overflow following from it, or my pronounced ADHD symptoms which repeatedly impair my plans and actions, every single day. So, I have to learn to live with them, and find ways to integrate and regard for them better – just like you said, “learning your life”. For me, this means writing lists with things I need and plan to do, bring the bulletpoints into a reasonable order, and then stick to them. It means accounting for order and clarity in my apartment, and getting things done (chores etc) before they pile up and start paralyzing me. Creating a quiet and clear workplace atmosphere without sources of distraction. Planning breaks for food intake and taking a deep breath before rushing on to some other activity. Etc etc. It’s quite new for me, but it’s time to face that.

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